There is no light without darkness. And the path to awakening is sometimes walked through dark roads to find the light. And sometimes, when the light switches off, and all turns black, that is painful. Sometimes it is unbearable painful.
I have faced so intense darkness on my path that I have asked to leave this planet many times. I have prayed for something or someone to just come and take me out of here. The suffering became too much.
I should perhaps say that I have never had the courage, and probably neither the real inclination to actually take my life. But I have wished with a vengeance that something would do it for me. Preferably something quick. And wanting that, I do not wish for anybody.
It wasn’t made better when I on my journey had learned about consciousness, and that I myself was the only reason that I suffered. That the suffering is all in my mind and that I could just choose to not suffer.
I knew the truth that lies herein. I had enough experience to know the truth of my own power to end my suffering, and turn it into light. Except when I couldn’t, and no longer knew how to. When I had completely forgotten and lost touch with who I really was.
Then I could just stand in this place of suffering, which was only made worse by my vast knowledge and extensive skills-set being obsolete or insufficient to where I was standing. Or my belief that I would only be send back here to deal with this all over again in another life. There really was no way out of here.
The fear of never finding the way out of this bottomless well of suffering can be so frightening that the thought of dying seems like the only possible and peaceful solution.
It has taught me real compassion and understanding for why some people choose to take their own life. Because deep down, I knew as bad as I felt, I could still see some hope. A flame was still burning, although it might be small. A small will to carry on – at least waiting until things got a little bit worse. If not even a small piece of burning coal is left, it is hard to find your way out of the darkness.
There have been times of despair where this longing to die was a desperate cry in the moment. What I would call a silly tantrum of momentary disempowerment. That is not true suffering.
No, the worst times are when all is seemingly peaceful. No one has wronged me, no fear of losing a loved one or no injustice had been done to me. No externalities to blame. Just darkness creeping in, and a sudden eruption of longing to be gone. In the midst of my relatively comfortable life, the deep pain of suffering enters every inch of my being. Not knowing how long I would be held captive by this unbearable state of mind.
One time was in a meditation session during a workshop. It was a guided meditation on our purpose. In my meditation I ended up on a star far away in the cosmos, looking down at Earth. When the teacher got to the part about seeing our purpose, all I could see and feel is that I did not want to come back down. I could happily stay there forever, leaving everyone I know behind.
It is the darkest, most empty feeling, I have up until now experienced in my life. The feeling of meaninglessness accompanied with emptiness. Deprived of inspiration, joy, hope, love. Just the sweet feeling of bliss from never having to come back.
I have visited this place many times – as awakening turns off the light within to make me face what this times begs to be seen. Even when it has released its chokehold, it can linger for weeks. I have come to learn that it will pass. Regardless of how fearful my mind is, how much it can plot a possible death, go through the potential consequences to my family and how much I can feel the sigh of relief awaiting at the last breath. Up until now, it has passed. And I trust that it will again. If I hold on. And wait a little longer.
Sometimes I just sit with it, and wait it out. Other times I write my pain out. I travel into the arms of death. I beg and plead with the spirit realm to please release me from this Earthly plane. I cry it out. I face the darkness that rise within. This state of mind can be paralyzing, and it can be hard to force oneself to dance, move, shake it off. It takes will power – and sometimes I have it. It does not help much to think about the good things in life, because they feel irrelevant and too far away. So I wait and do the best I can to navigate myself home.
Because that is where I have been away from. The home of my truth. My essence and soul. Who I really am. I got lost.
And what I have also come to learn is that when it passes, I retrieve a new little piece of my truth. This little piece of divinity grand me access into a deeper engagement with the true reality of life. I get to experience a little more of the beauty and love that is life itself. I gain a little bit more trust. A little bit more strength. A little bit deeper knowing. A little bit greater compassion for myself and for humanity.
And the more I remember that, when suffering comes, I can embrace it a little bit more and a little bit more, until one day, I never have to leave myself to remember who I am.